OoTD - 3/5 - A New Election Process

 JACKET - Papaya - Colorado Mills Mall 

BROWN T-SHIRT - Gap

RUFFLED BLOUSE - Kaelynn Max - eBay: $13.99

BROWN CORDS - Victoria's Secret website

FAUX LEOPARD BELT - Goodwill: $1.61

BLACK BOOTS - Madden Girl - eBay: $36.00

Beings how it is yet another election year, in my infinite wisdom I have come up with a new way and dare I say better way to elect our next Commander-in-Chief.  This ingenious process would save us tax payers money because it would not require our current president to criss-cross the county campaigning, requiring gobs of security protection, and gallons of super expensive jet fuel.  No boring debates would be involved, and annoying trash talking vicious political ads that clog our airways and interrupt our favorite TV shows would be a thing of the past.  People, corporations, businesses, and mob bosses who want to donate to the presidential campaign could now give money to their favorite charity and those less fortunate would actually benefit from the democratic process. 

Step one of my plan is that we do away with the U.S. Electoral College that no one really understands anyways and turn the whole election over to the Nielsen Company.  During their sweeps month in November, this TV ratings poller would set up a series of brackets like the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament.  Presidential candidates would be paired off against each other to compete for the coveted title of President of the United States and Leader of the Free World.  There would also be an easier and less expensive way to vote. No more worrying about early mail-in ballots, electronic voting machines, and hanging chads.  No more trekking to your local polling place before or after work in the rain.  The only people voting in this election would be those that the Nielson Company had chosen and who had received a ratings box.   Voters would be able to cast their ballot in the primary from the privacy and comfort of their own homes whilst drinking a beer and munching on popcorn by texting 1-800-IDOLS and their choice’s number.

Before competing in a series of the following shows all contestants would have to submit a brain imaging scan to determine their eligibility.  Forget about tax returns.  We all know that if you are running for President, you are rich.  The other guy may be richer (Mitt) but to the rest of us poor schmucks; rich is rich.  No 1040s for me. I would like to know before a president is elected that all parts of his/her brain are fully functioning and glowing the appropriate color.  Especially of interest to me is that oh so important prefrontal cortex that according to the Discovery website, “weighs outcomes, forms judgments, and controls impulses.”  This ability to predict the consequences of a candidate’s actions may stop the next president from being transfixed by school girls in flirty black berets (William).

Round 1

Candidates will square off on Jeopardy.  This will let us all see their general knowledge on a wide variety of subjects like history with questions such as: “How many stripes does the American flag have?’, “Where does the name America come from?”, and “What state did the first shot heard around the world occur in?” (Michelle).  I would have suggested Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, but I think it’s only showing on re-runs on the Game Show Network now. 

Round 2

Candidates will next be plunked down at the United Nations complex in New York City for Survivor U.N.   Here we will get to see the political ability of each one as they form alliances, swap tribes (a.k.a. party affiliations), and battle during immunity challenges until he or she emerges victorious at the final tribal council.  I for one would like to know that my next president can indeed Outwit, Outlast, and Outplay his opponents. 

Round 3

The next stint would be as a guest judge on Judge Judy.  In order to be a good president, a person would need to be fair and possess the wisdom of Solomon.  Having each of the candidates do a guest spot on Judge Judy would allow all of us to see how impartial, fair, and wise our future president would be.

Round 4a or 4b

At this point candidates would be funneled to two different shows.  Most would be guests on Dr. Drew’s Lifechangers because most presidential candidates are already married.  These candidates would attend Dr. Drew’s Marriage Bootcamp and those with major personal issues in their lives would be weeded out at this point (Herman).  If by happenstance, we had a candidate male or female that was not married, they would become the next contestant of The Bachelor or The Bachelorette respectively.  If all goes well, they should be hitched and able to enjoy a pleasant honeymoon before the swearing in ceremony on January 21, 2013.  

Round 5

The last show that any remaining candidates would have to compete on is Wipeout.  By this point, only those individuals would remain that are book smart, savvy politicians, wise decision makers and in a stable relationship.  Wipeout would eliminate any candidates who have made it this far but do not have the physical stamina to finish the race and age in four years what looks like a decade.  Also, we all know that Presidents do stupid things like fall down the steps of Airforce One (Gerald).  Having the remaining candidates on Wipeout will allow all of us to share with our next President his or her most embarrassing moments upfront and gauge who can laugh at themselves while we are laughing at them.  Then and only then would the candidate/contestant who perseveres over the obstacle course in the shortest amount of time and stands shining on the platform at the end of the Wipeout Zone be named our President of the United States of America.  We, the TV viewers/citizens, could all cheer and rest easy in the knowledge that the best man or woman is indeed our President.