JACKET - Papaya - Colorado Mills Mall
BROWN T-SHIRT - Gap
RUFFLED BLOUSE - Kaelynn Max - eBay: $13.99
BROWN CORDS - Victoria's Secret website
FAUX LEOPARD BELT - Goodwill: $1.61
BLACK BOOTS - Madden Girl - eBay: $36.00
Beings how it is yet another election year, in my infinite
wisdom I have come up with a new way and dare I say better way to elect our
next Commander-in-Chief. This ingenious
process would save us tax payers money because it would not require our current
president to criss-cross the county campaigning, requiring gobs of security
protection, and gallons of super expensive jet fuel. No boring debates would be involved, and annoying trash talking
vicious political ads that clog our airways and interrupt our favorite TV shows
would be a thing of the past. People,
corporations, businesses, and mob bosses who want to donate to the presidential
campaign could now give money to their favorite charity and those less
fortunate would actually benefit from the democratic process.
Step one of my plan is that we do away with the U.S.
Electoral College that no one really understands anyways and turn the whole
election over to the Nielsen Company.
During their sweeps month in November, this TV ratings poller would set
up a series of brackets like the NCAA March Madness basketball tournament. Presidential candidates would be paired off
against each other to compete for the coveted title of President of the United
States and Leader of the Free World.
There would also be an easier and less expensive way to vote. No more
worrying about early mail-in ballots, electronic voting machines, and hanging
chads. No more trekking to your local
polling place before or after work in the rain. The only people voting in this election would be those that the
Nielson Company had chosen and who had received a ratings box. Voters would be able to cast their ballot
in the primary from the privacy and comfort of their own homes whilst drinking
a beer and munching on popcorn by texting 1-800-IDOLS and their choice’s
number.
Before competing in a series of the following shows all
contestants would have to submit a brain imaging scan to determine their
eligibility. Forget about tax returns. We all know that if you are running for
President, you are rich. The other guy
may be richer (Mitt) but to the rest of us poor schmucks; rich is rich. No 1040s for me. I would like to know before
a president is elected that all parts of his/her brain are fully functioning
and glowing the appropriate color.
Especially of interest to me is that oh so important prefrontal cortex
that according to the Discovery website, “weighs outcomes, forms judgments, and
controls impulses.” This ability to
predict the consequences of a candidate’s actions may stop the next president
from being transfixed by school girls in flirty black berets (William).
Round 1
Candidates will square off on Jeopardy. This will let us all see their general
knowledge on a wide variety of subjects like history with questions such as:
“How many stripes does the American flag have?’, “Where does the name America
come from?”, and “What state did the first shot heard around the world occur
in?” (Michelle). I would have suggested
Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?, but I think it’s only showing on
re-runs on the Game Show Network now. 
Round 2
Candidates will next be plunked down at the United Nations
complex in New York City for Survivor U.N. Here we will get to see the political ability of each one as
they form alliances, swap tribes (a.k.a. party affiliations), and battle during
immunity challenges until he or she emerges victorious at the final tribal
council. I for one would like to know
that my next president can indeed Outwit, Outlast, and Outplay his
opponents.
Round 3
The next stint would be as a guest judge on Judge Judy. In order to be a good president, a person
would need to be fair and possess the wisdom of Solomon. Having each of the candidates do a guest
spot on Judge Judy would allow all of us to see how impartial, fair, and
wise our future president would be.
Round 4a or 4b
At this point candidates would be funneled to two different
shows. Most would be guests on Dr.
Drew’s Lifechangers because most presidential candidates are already
married. These candidates would attend
Dr. Drew’s Marriage Bootcamp and those with major personal issues in their
lives would be weeded out at this point (Herman). If by happenstance, we had a candidate male or female that was
not married, they would become the next contestant of The Bachelor or The
Bachelorette respectively. If all
goes well, they should be hitched and able to enjoy a pleasant honeymoon before
the swearing in ceremony on January 21, 2013.
Round 5
The last show that any remaining candidates would have to
compete on is Wipeout. By this
point, only those individuals would remain that are book smart, savvy
politicians, wise decision makers and in a stable relationship. Wipeout would eliminate any
candidates who have made it this far but do not have the physical stamina to
finish the race and age in four years what looks like a decade. Also, we all know that Presidents do stupid
things like fall down the steps of Airforce One (Gerald). Having the remaining candidates on Wipeout
will allow all of us to share with our next President his or her most
embarrassing moments upfront and gauge who can laugh at themselves while we are
laughing at them. Then and only then
would the candidate/contestant who perseveres over the obstacle course in the
shortest amount of time and stands shining on the platform at the end of the
Wipeout Zone be named our President of the United States of America. We, the TV viewers/citizens, could all cheer
and rest easy in the knowledge that the best man or woman is indeed our
President.
